This Wasn't How It Was Supposed To Be

The plan was: we move to California, we get the house ready, and then we open our doors to family and friends for visits. Simple. Easy. That was the plan.

The plan wasn't supposed to be: Pack up your life, your kids, your dog, and lose your father. But that is what happened.

Two weeks before we were set to leave for the Bay Area, my dad's heart started acting up again. Having had Congestive Heart Failure for 13 years now, I didn't think much of it. "This is just routine," I thought to myself. He had to get an ablation every few years. Yes, it was an uncomfortable surgery for him, but he always bounced back in a few days following the procedure. This time was different. One of the many needles he had poked in his arms, caused a blood clot, so huge that it started at his elbow and went all the way to his heart. A blood clot on top of a blood clot, which required more surgery to remove. Then there was an aneurysm near the entry site of the ablation surgery. One thing after another, after another. TWELVE days later, my daddy got to go home.

That next morning, the kids and I went to go check on him again, and help him acclimate back to home life. I helped him organize his pills that he had to take. So many pills. He hated it. He didn't want to die, but he said, "This is no way to live." I could see the frustration on his face. My daddy loved life, and all the people in his world, and he wanted to live for all of us. His mind wished he was more physically able than his body actually allowed him to be.

I am so grateful that, the Sunday before we left, my brother and sister-in-law opened their home for us to say our "see-you-laters" to my side of the family. My dad didn't have much energy, but he came. He felt pretty miserable, and I reminded him what his doctor said. For every day he was in the hospital, it was going to take 5 days to recover. That's 60 days. He was on Day 4 at this point, and had a long way to go.

I sat with him, and held my hand in his. I was immediately transported back to being a little girl. I always felt so safe in my daddy's hands - so big, soft, warm. They provided such comfort to me. Something in me pushed me to tell him everything that was in my heart that night. I looked him in the eyes, and told him how much I loved him. How much I was going to miss him. I told him to take it easy, and take his time to recover, so that he could come visit us in California. We had plans to drop him off at City Lights Bookstore in the city all day, and then once he had his fill of a world of books, we would drive to Carmel for the weekend. That's what he wanted, and that's what he was to be working/resting for. I told him that my kids WORSHIPPED him. That they absolutely adored him. I told him that he was my husband's best friend. That we couldn't wait to see him again. He rallied a bit that night. Long enough for me to snap a few pictures, and hug him so tight several times.

The kids, the dog, and I arrived Tuesday to our new home in Piedmont. Our moving crew showed up Thursday with the boxes. Late Thursday night I got the call that my dad had collapsed. Friday morning I was an anxious mess catching a flight back to Phoenix.

This wasn't how it was supposed to be.

Our biggest fear had come true. That we would leave, and something bad would happen. I know we couldn't control it. But it was absolutely the worst feeling I had ever experienced.

I knew as he lay in "critical condition" that his soul had already left this place. I knew it the second I walked in the ICU. But how do you let your daddy go? How do comfort your mother as she weeps uncontrollably because the love of her life isn't coming home with her this time? How do you have strength for your brother who is always the strong one and is unable to hold it in anymore? What do you say to your 92-year-old grandma who is shaking her head in disbelief, that she was there when he took his first breath, and now his last? How could I comfort my husband who loved my dad so dearly, but was a whole state away? We were in pieces.

In my moment of absolutely ugly, wailing, pleading sobbing, I placed my hand in his again. His warmth comforted me and in my heart, I knew he suffered no more.

He died at 12:15pm on a Saturday, surrounded by family. It was the worst 36 hours of my life.

Just when I thought it couldn't get any harder, I realized I had to tell my children. What was I going to say to my kids? Would they understand what it meant? Of course they wouldn't. Maybe in time. They knew he had a sick heart. They had visited him many times in the hospital. Paloma said, "He's with Papa Ray now, and Jesus." Tears came to Quincy's eyes as he said, "You mean he's not coming back? I won't get to see him again? Why can't he come back? Who's going to watch Godzilla movies with me?" My heart was breaking all over again.

The next few days were an absolute blur. We got through by the grace of God, and with the love that surrounded us by family and friends from all around. (Thank you for your messages, meals, hugs, tears, flowers, etc - it all meant more to my mom and our family than you could ever know.)

His "Celebration of Life" brought people together from all corners of his life, many that I hadn't seen in years. We (my mom, brother, Grandma, Aunt Nancy, Uncle Bill and I) planned it in 2 days. We didn't know who would be able to come with that short notice. But to see those faces in that beautiful church overlooking the mountains... Old and current neighbors, old and new friends, fellow movie-lovers, Natan's and my friends (their spouses, kids, and parents, too), kids my dad coached in little league, and family members who loved my dad so much. There were at least a dozen people there who had never even met my dad, but care for my brother or me so much that they just wanted to be there to support us and learn more about the man who helped mold their friend into the person they are today. It was incredible.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

His Obituary:
Thomas Henry Jacobs, 67, of Phoenix, AZ, passed away Saturday, August 8, 2015.

"He was born with a gift of laughter and a sense that the world was mad." (From Scaramouche, by Rafael Sabatini)

Tom was born January 6, 1948, in Lakewood, Ohio, to Ray and Miriam (White) Jacobs. He attended DePauw University in Indiana, and graduated from Michigan State University in 1969. In his youth, baseball was his greatest passion. During school, he was a writer and an actor. His travels to Europe after graduation left him with some of his fondest memories, shaping his love for the arts and history. Shortly after moving to Phoenix in 1973, he met the love of his life. Tom and Alicia Nieto were married in Mexico City in 1974 and shared 41 wonderful years together.

Tom was a poet, journalist, actor, an avid collector of music and books, and a world traveler. He loved raising his children and being surrounded by family, his wolf-huskies, watching movies, harvesting chili peppers, and exploring nature.

Tom is survived by his mother, Miriam, wife, Alicia, son, Natan Jacobs and his wife Larel, daughter Candida Bell and her husband Solon; his sister Nancy Shaffner and her husband Bill of Pittsburgh, PA, four adoring grandchildren, two nieces, and a large extended family. He was preceded in death by his father, Ray, in 2008.

A celebration of life will be held promptly at 4 p.m. Tuesday, August 11, at Shadow Rock United Church of Christ, 12861 N. 8th Ave., Phoenix, AZ 85029. Doors open at 3:30 p.m. In lieu of flowers, please send a donation in his honor to the Wolf Conservation Center, the National Park Service, or the Heard Museum. - The guest book will be online until 9/10/2015 - please feel free to leave a message or favorite memory of my dad by clicking here.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Every day I am reminded of him. The beautiful thunderstorm the night after his service, the dozen of original poems I found in a box at the bottom of my old closet that he had written and never told us about, the random Coca-Cola bottle I grabbed for Solon at the airport that said "Share a Coke with Tommy," the hummingbirds that seem to follow me everywhere I go, the daddy-long-leg spiders that watch over me in the highest corners of the rooms in my new house, the earthquake that jolted me out of bed the morning after I came back to California (very funny, Daddy), the first friend that Quincy met at his new school named Thomas - my dad is everywhere.

And I miss him every day. Every single second of every single day. And I will love him always, and forever.

Summer 2015: Part 1

May was a month of roller coaster emotions. Excitement for the unknown. Sadness for the beginning of the goodbyes. Oh man, so many good-byes. So many endings.

There are two things I learned about my life in the month of May.

1. You never realize just how much your life is on cruise-control until you decide to move out of state.

2. You never realize how many wonderful people you have in your life, whether they are subtle acquaintances or dear, dear friends, until you start counting the "good-byes", or as I like to call them, "see-you-laters".

Yep, May was emotional. Cathartic. Filled with blessings and discoveries.

These wonderful women that I served on the preschool board with. They are part of my tribe - we cared for each other, our families - we supported one another. It's amazing how motherhood can bond people who have very different backgrounds, interests, political beliefs - it's amazing. I love these women and am grateful to have spent one last fun night with them. My favorite moment of this night was right before my new friend Jamie (not pictured) left. She and I connected this year over our shared love of party planning and making things beautiful. She is a Christian woman from Texas who can rock a sundress and cowgirl boots better than anyone, and she introduced me to Rudy's BBQ which is the bomb. We were fortunate to have some heart-to-hearts over the year, and as she's leaving she says to me (I'm paraphrasing b/c my memory is a little shot), "I am going to miss you so much! I just couldn't believe I could enjoy the company so much of someone who voted for Obama! I have been wanting to say that for so long!!!" It was a riot. We got a great laugh out of it.

Paloma's final celebration as a Bluebird (the greatest class ever!)
Saying goodbye to this wonderful preschool community a year earlier than expected was definitely the root of many of my tears. I will sing the praises of Shadow Rock Preschool until the day I die. This amazing place made a HUGE difference in our family's life. Our children absolutely thrived there. The teachers and staff are some of the best people I have ever met. That place is pure magic.

Quincy's Kindergarten year coming to a close
The transformation this kid had in 9 months blew us away. He started the year a little quiet, still into his own thing (at the time dinosaurs, mainly), and ended the year with tons of friends, super-outgoing, laser-focused on his writing and reading skills, and also emerged as quite the artist! He got so much out of that first year, I am certain he could thrive now no matter where he goes. His fabulous teacher, in one year, laid an immense foundation in this kid. He was so happy to have been a "Goldfish"!

(You'll need a Flash Player to see this video)

So after that was done... we packed the car up and headed to San Francisco for a 3-week stint that would help us discover the city as more than just a 3-day tourist, and hopefully determine a location to reside for the next few years.

We took a few days to get Forrest acclimated to city-life, and began to explore.

We lit sparklers on the roof; discovered playgrounds in surrounding neighborhoods;

visited Solon at his new office;

tried ice cream made on the spot with local, fresh ingredients and liquid nitrogen;

ate some life-changing Lasagnetta at Il Borgo, the Italian Ristorante cross-corner from our apartment (layers of thin homemade lasagna noodles and prosciutto, rolled into spirals of heaven and smothered with the most UH-MAZING red sauce);

made friends with the owners at the local corner market (Nick's) who still remember the importance of customer service; walked 12 blocks to the nearest movie theatre to watch Jurassic World when Grandma Sasa was in town;

drove ever-so-slowly down the world-famous Lombard Street, which was lined with hundreds of hydrangea flowers;

saw the sea-lions sun-bathing at Pier 39;

had a play-date with my friend Liz and her kiddos, Dominik and Maksim;

played in the sand and water near Hyde Street Pier;

stocked up on Ghirardelli chocolates from the factory; Quincy tried 5 different types of seafood (!) which is huge for my kids who doesn't like to try new things;

I tried 5 different flavors of French Macarons which were to-die-for!;

cooked a couple meals for Solon's co-workers;

first time on the Cal-Train (subway);

all while looking at neighborhoods in the East Bay where we felt was the best fit for our family.

The Saturday before we left to return to Phoenix, we attended the Genentech Gives Back concert event. On top of the innovative cancer-fighting medicines that Genentech creates and sells, they also give back extensively to their community. The week leading up the concert, employees go out into the community and help clean up playgrounds, schools, etc and in Solon's case, painted a U.S. map on a basketball court. Then on Saturday, the company rents out AT&T Park (home of the SF Giants) and treats the employees and their families to a day of food, drinks, and live entertainment from national recording artists. This year's line-up was Jason Derulo, Imagine Dragons, and KATY PERRY!

It was an awesome experience, and what a cool 1st concert for the kiddos. Paloma kept singing "Roar" the whole way home, and for the rest of the night for that matter!

We spent our last day, which happened to be Father's Day, driving around the East Bay looking at homes to rent, in the neighborhoods we liked.

After 6 homes, we finally found one that fit the needs of a family of 4 with a dog. We submitted our application, a dog resume (yes, that's right), credit report, and a picture of our family, and waited for the call. At 8pm the night before I left, our application got accepted.

So we did it! We accomplished practically everything that I wanted to while we were there. That three weeks was jam-packed and super-productive. Not to mention extremely exhausting with pockets of stress here and there.

I am so proud of our kids and our dog. I had a blast road-tripping with all three of them; the kids were helpful and up for anything. They were able to simply enjoy each other's company for 2/3 of each drive while coloring, making up songs, enjoying the scenery, and only used the iPad for one movie per 6-hour stretch. It can be done! And when they slept, I was able to listen to songs on my iPod that only I can appreciate. (ie: Counting Crows) =)

I am also really proud of my husband. He has been working his butt off while we are apart, and has already been recognized for his growth in this new role. He is loving his new position. That makes this all worth it! We will all be so happy when we are back together as a complete family.

The next 2 weeks consist of me purging the house some more, and getting everything ready for the movers. We will officially be out of AZ the first week of August!

Off to a city by the Bay

For the last month or so, Solon has been commuting back to his company headquarters in South San Francisco.

Sunday evening, we drop him off at Sky Harbor's Terminal 4, go about our business for the week, and are back at Terminal 4 the following Friday night. It's been hard having him gone during the week - I am exhausted by Thursday, and basically need an IV drip of coffee to get me to the Friday finish line, but I can't remember a time when I have seen my husband so excited about this work. Ever since getting hired by Genentech 2 years ago, he has loved it - it's a FABULOUS company that really takes care of their employees. He feels blessed to be surrounded by such smart and innovative people. Well now those smart and innovative people want Solon to be at HQ full-time, and they have offered him a marketing position that will relocate our family to the Bay Area.

WE ARE MOVING TO SAN FRANCISCO!

This is exciting, wonderful, and terrifying all at the same time for me, a girl who has been in AZ her WHOLE life. A girl who always dreamt about going away to college, but was too chicken to fill out the applications... Now it's my time for an adventure, and I get to experience it with Solon and the kids by my side.

This summer will be filled with research trips out to the Bay Area, to determine where we want to live, where the kids will go to school, to fill in as many of the blanks I can to make us feel at home as quickly as possible. But a lot of what makes it an adventure is filling in those blanks as we go, for as long as we are there.

It will be wonderful for me to experience the Bay Area as more than just a tourist. Each time I have gone to San Francisco, I have only been there 3-4 days at a time. I can't wait for us to discover more gems within the area that will make our adventure even better.

And just in case you have never been, and you need an excuse to come visit us in the Bay Area, let me share with you some of the best parts of San Fran and it's surrounding areas.

*Clam Chowder in a sourdough breadbowl!!

*Wine country (Sonoma, Napa) is 40 minutes north (you go over the Golden Gate Bridge to get there)

*Ghirardelli Chocolate Factory

*ART, MUSIC, CULTURE!

*China Town (featuring our favorite - The House of Nan King)

*Fisherman's Wharf & Cable Cars

*Alcatraz Island

*AMAZING Italian food & seafood

*the famous City Lights Bookstore (that will get my dad to visit)

*and coffee shops on almost every corner!

I am so proud of my husband, and am so grateful that Genentech is seeing him as such an asset to their company.

To all of our awesome Shadow Rock Preschool/Lookout Mountain/Moon Valley family - thank you for loving our kids so much, and for being a wonderful community to be a part of. We will miss you so much and I will be reaching out for mass play-dates when we visit during school breaks!

To our Coolwater Christian Church family - we will look forward to coming to visit you all when we are in town - we will definitely miss your fellowship every week. Thank you for caring for our family, and for your continuous prayers for this opportunity.

To our FAMILY and FRIENDS - our calendar is ready for your travel dates! WE LOVE YOU SO MUCH and thank you for your support of our journey. Download the GLIDE app for your smartphones, and COME VISIT US!!

Livin' Life

Seven months...

That's how long it took me to write this.

The truth is, I re-read my post from October in January, and started to create this post. But then I stopped for some reason (got side-tracked probably), and the next thing I know we are 2 days away from Mother's Day. It's like sometimes I have too much to say but not enough time to say it, and then part of me thinks, "is this an online documentary for my children to look at 10 years from now, or is it a place for me to vent and release?" But then I remind myself that I share this with everyone, and I decide to reel it in a bit, as not to bore whoever reads this. (laughing)

Reading that October post and re-living those words took me on an emotional roller coaster, but the good news is, Paloma's December CT Scan came back crystal clear, and a huge weight was lifted off of our shoulders. She has already had one follow-up ultrasound (which came through CLEAR) with another at the end of May, and after that we should have 2-3 more over the next year and a half, and hopefully we will be DONE. I am grateful every day for the continued prayers for our daughter's health until this is all behind us.

Many of our "everyday" moments are on my Instagram (@candidabell)account, but here is a slideshow of the highlights that bring us to current, featuring Halloween, Sasa & Tony's visit for Thanksgiving, Christmas (with Alynsia!), the baptism of our god-daughter Gracyn, our trip to Disneyland, Papa Allen & Danita's visit, and a little New Orleans:



The kids are at a really cool age right now. Paloma is the most vibrant little creature on our planet. She is colorful and dynamic and fierce and independent and way wiser than her actual age. She questions things like life and death and says things like, "It's just so beautiful mommy; everything in life is just so beautiful..." - what 4-year-old says these things? But she does. She loves everybody and everything - she wanted Spring Break to end after 2 days because she missed her preschool friends so much. That's the kind of girl she is.

And Quincy is so smart and is just growing so fast it makes me catch my breath every day. He is taking piano lessons now, loves homework, loves pleasing his teacher, and his art skills have advanced purely on his own. If you compare dinosaur pictures from a year ago to where they are now (and then throw in his handwriting skills), it's just blows my mind on a daily basis.

Solon and I celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary on March 19. I said to him that morning, "Ten years seems like a lifetime, and when I look back at our pictures and I think of all the things that we've done, it feels like we've done so much in such a short time. Yet our life together is really just beginning and that's pretty incredible to think about." We were able to celebrate our anniversary alone in New Orleans (thank you Sasa for taking care of the kids), a dream that we've always had (back when we could be a little more spontaneous). We were able to stuff our face with beignets and delicious Creole cooking, while we learned some history. We were able to reconnect and reflect on the last 10 years while we pondered what the future holds.