Tuesday, October 11, 2016

Round Here

The past 8 weeks have left me in a whirl. Most of it has been good, but I would be lying if I said it was all good.

I have been using inspiration from my all-time favorite band (Counting Crows) since my last post, in an effort to really reconnect with myself. To use my memories to heal me, and to remind myself of the important things in my life.

"Gonna get back to basics I guess I'll start it up again"

I have been thinking about what I really want to accomplish in life. There is so much that I want, and sometimes life seems so fragmented that it's hard to get all my ideas out of my head on onto paper, so I can track them - making tangible goals out of them. I want to write every day. About motherhood, about childhood, about cooking, about travel, about this freaking election, about loving, and growing, and moving on through all the stuff that life throws at you. But I bottle the thoughts up one by one, until I have more time to devote to them, and before I know it, my bottle is so full, nearing explosion, and I can't articulate ANYTHING the way I want to. I need to work on that. First goal: Keep a journal - write things down right after they happen.

"We only stay in orbit for a moment of time 
And you're everybody's satellite I wish that you were mine"

Death seems to be a common theme in my life for the past 14 months. It seems like every few months, I am having to sit my children down and explain to them that someone we know has died, or is going to die soon. It's a conversation that I never really had with my parents until I was like 12. So the fact that I have had this conversation with my 5 and 7-year-old SO MANY times in a little over a year... I mean I don't even know how to explain it. From my dad, to my great-uncle, to my mom's dog, to my great-aunt... and most recently to my best friend's 3-year-old daughter... I feel like seeing their mom sad is the current norm in our house. Through the moments of grief, I am working my butt off to remind them of, and expose them to THE GOOD in our lives, and in the world. We talk about the lessons we learned from the example of our lost loved-one. We do things that we enjoy, that makes us happy. We have adventures, we learn things together.
"Where we make a lifetime commitment to recovering the satellites" I am not going to shield them from the pain, because I do think kids need the honesty of what we have been going through, but I have to find a delicate balance because I don't want them to be hardened, or numb. I don't know if they need to be as emotional as I am, but I don't think it's a bad thing either. My emotion comes from the way I love so deeply. Especially when it comes to my given family, and my chosen family.

"She sees shooting stars and comet tails
She's got Heaven in her eyes"

I will forever be grateful that I got to see this little angel in August before she left this Earth for the Heavens. Her story is not mine to tell, but I will say this: This little girl had more personality and fight in her pinky finger than most adults walking this planet. She has taught me to not be afraid. She has reminded me to ALWAYS dance in the rain, and to BE AMAZED by the little joys that life brings - to NEVER take them for granted. Her parents have shown me how important it is to follow your gut, and who cares what others think of your choices where your children are concerned - you have to do what works for you. Their family has shown me that LOVING HARD does so much GOOD in your life, even when it's difficult to breathe, even when the end comes sooner than expected. Love hard and deep, and find the GIFT in what makes you different.My promise to Makenzie Rae is that her light will always fuel my heart. I will live life to the fullest, continuing to love fearlessly, and conquer challenges that lie ahead, with her smile and laughter in the back of my mind. One of my favorite aspects of sharing this journey of motherhood with my very best friends is the relationships that I get to have with their children. I am especially grateful for this one.


Here are some of the good moments in photos to bring us to current:

Huntington Beach



School starts

Final Ultrasound (2 years later, ALL CLEAR)

My godfather Chuck came to visit!

I welcomed in 37 with a birthday lunch at Chez Panisse in Berkeley 
(crossed off the Bucket List!)

Girls weekend to see Counting Crows and Rob Thomas!

I participated in a commercial shoot for the Women Voter Project 
(representing propositions on the CA ballot)

Community Fun

Reconnecting with childhood friends in Petaluma

Fun with my mother-in-law!

Chuck E. Cheese to celebrate our friends, Maksim and Dominik

Fall fun with old friends near Sacramento

Live fully, love hard, and enjoy the Fall!

No comments: